Dear Dave,

First of all, congratulations on the election results.  A bloody nose for Labour and hopefully an indication of their fortunes in the next election (assuming Labour doesn’t cancel elections because they’re not environmentally friendly and pose a terrorist threat of course).

The results in England were pretty conclusive – the English ignored your recent insults and voted in an additional 885 councillors and gave you control of an extra 38 councils.

You may have noticed, however, that the Scottish Parliament elections were a little less productive for the Conservatives.  I know that you will be spending a lot of time analysing the results of the elections up north, attending focus groups and coming up with ways to try and convince the Scots of the benefits of the union so I thought I’d save you the effort.

The Scots don’t vote Conservative.  They won’t forgive the Conservatives for running their country with a minority and imposing the poll tax on Scotland against the will of Scottish MPs.  You have to understand that the only time such practices are acceptable to Scotland is when it is being perpetrated by Scots to the auld enemy.  Don’t think that they’ll forget about it by the next election either – Culluden and Banockburn are modern history to your average Scot.

This is how it is – the union is no longer relevant either north or south of the border.  Labour keep banging on about the union dividend and how we’re stronger together than apart.  The Conservatives also seem to be under the impression that the union must be protected at all costs.  Labour’s motivation is plainly self-centred – they can’t get elected in England.  The Conservatives, however, have nothing at all to gain from trying to preserve a union that most people north and south of the border aren’t happy with.

The Conservatives have one MP in Scotland and 17 MSPs in the Scottish Parliament.  Scotland is never going to vote Conservative again – you’re as popular as the Lib Dems in Scotland, not a position that any self-respecting political party should be happy with!  The Conservative Party is an English party, it just hasn’t accepted it yet.  What you need to do now is forget about Scotland and concentrate on the people who vote Conservative – the English.  We need an English Parliament and an end to the Barnett Formula.  If the Scots throw their teddies out of the pram when the gravy train is derailed then that’s their problem – it’s not as if the Scots are actually going to vote for the Conservatives anyway, you can afford to upset them.  What you can’t afford to do, though, is irritate English people who are going to vote Conservative.

All the best for the future, hopefully you’ll come to your senses before the next election and start supporting England.

Kind regards,

Wonko the Sane