Pastafarianism

Pastafarianism is the religion associated with the Flying Spaghetti Monster, a complex carbohydrate-based deity that created the universe when he was very, very drunk.

According to Pastafarian gospel, the earth was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster in five days. During those five days He created heaven and earth (the former containing a stripper factory and beer fountains) and a midget from which the human race descended. Pirates descended from midgets (per His design, of course) and humans descended from pirates. As creation stories go, it’s no less plausible than those of other religions and it’s written in a book so that’s all the evidence you need, right?

Do I believe in a literal Flying Spaghetti Monster watching over us and steering the course of mankind with His noodly appendages? No, of course not. Just as most Christians don’t believe in a sky fairy with a big beard floating above the clouds knocking up virgins, telling people to murder their kids and committing genocide. But I do believe in the principles expressed in the Eight I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts (the Pastafarian equivalent of the Christian/Jewish/Islamic 10 Commandments) and when it comes down to it, a shared moral code is what religion is mainly about. Well, that and mind controlling the brainwashed masses and scaring them into giving you money by threatening them with an eternity in hell but there’s none of that in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The Eight I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts can basically be summed up as “be nice to each other, help people who need help, don’t hurt anyone who doesn’t want to be hurt and practise safe sex”. What other moral guidance do you need?

  • I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like A Sanctimonious, Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness.
  • I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others.
  • I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay?
  • I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity.
  • I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach.
  • I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/ Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (take your pick)
  • I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're not that interesting.
  • I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot Of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas.
Flying Spaghetti Monster

If some people don’t believe in me, that’s okay. Really. I’m not that vain. Besides, this isn’t about them so don’t change the subject. OK? 

Flying Spaghetti Monster

I don’t require sacrifices and purity is for drinking water, not people

Flying Spaghetti Monster

Oh, and get this in your thick heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey-Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we’re talking about fashion. Then, I’m sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.

Flying Spaghetti Monster

Eat, Then, go after the Bastards.

Flying Spaghetti Monster

1. Ending Poverty, 2. Curing Diseases, 3. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable. I might be a complex-carbohydrate, omniscient being, But I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the Creator.

Flying Spaghetti Monster

Get over yourself. And, I told you to love your fellow man. Can’t you take a hint?

Flying Spaghetti Monster

If the other person is into it, however (Pursuant To #4), then have at it. Take Pictures. But for the love of Mike, wear A CONDOM! Honestly, it’s a piece of rubber. If I didn’t want it to feel good when you did it, I would have added spikes or something.