Archive for Funny

Sometimes being in the public eye helps

Q: You’re in the bank trying to withdraw money without your wallet and no form of acceptable ID, what do you do?

A: Bring up your councillor profile on your website and stand here grinning with the phone next to your face!

This actually worked for me this week when I went to pick up a box of election leaflets and realised that I’d left the cheque book on the dining room table and my wallet in the pocket of my jeans at home. Probably not the most orthodox way of identify a customer in a bank but I got my money. 😀

Councillor web page on my mobile

Happy Zombie Jesus Day

Happy Zombie Jesus Day

Australia plans solar subsidy cuts

The Queensland government is considering higher charges and subsidy cuts for solar panels saying that it is unfair that the majority subsidise the minority.

Solar subsidies have been cut by the British government in recent years too with further cuts to come.  Solar panels just don’t produce enough electricity in this country to cover the cost of their installation, maintenance and eventual disposal.  And if they don’t produce enough electricity to be economically viable in Queensland which has unbroken sunshine for as much as a third of the year then there is no hope in England where we have sunshine for about one sixth of the year.

Solar panels are a false economy just like windmills.  They don’t produce enough electricity to power your home and they are only economically viable if you’re subsidising yourself through your taxes.  It won’t be long before the subsidy on solar panels drops below the payback level for the companies that own them and who pays then?  I can’t imagine the contracts leaving the solar panel companies out of pocket.

The only way solar power is going to pay is by building them in right from the outset with photovoltaic roof tiles on new builds and some more thought at the design stage to align houses north south to make them sun traps.  These winding, “organic” looking road layouts might look great on an artist’s impression and break up the monotony of the built environment but they’re no good for solar power and if the industry is serious about making solar pay then they have to start supporting it by design.

Australia is miles further down the road of environmentalist lunacy and solar power as it is now won’t survive the subsidy cuts.  In a few years’ time we’ll point at houses with these big shiny bits of plastic on their roof and mock them like we did with BSB’s squarials and Ionica’s octagonal microwave dishes.

First glimpse of the new Pope …

John Terry as Pope

Silly Tilly’s Jackanory Conference Speech

Robin Tilbrook has posted a copy of his speech from the English Democrats’ party conference in Doncaster last week.  This rip-roaring event was attended by as many as 50 people, including the speakers.  Quite the political force.

I tried to read the speech properly but I was bored to tears very quickly despite the many humorous attempts to mislead people and jackanory stories. I did manage to skim through it though and a few things jumped out.

The Raving Loonies campaigning in Eastleigh

Such as the UKIP by-election results Tilbrook quotes comparing the English Democrats’ awful by-election results favourably with UKIP’s early by-election results.  But his list is a selective list of Scottish by-election results out of a long list of by-elections contested by UKIP in every member state of the UK over the period he refers to.  He points out that UKIP have lost to the Monster Raving Loony Party before and he’s correct – four times in 1995 and 1996, on one occasion by none other than Peter Davies – but these were the 6th, 7th, 8th and 9th by-elections UKIP ever contested and the party had only been in existence for 3 years.  Eleven years after being formed and the English Democrats are still losing to the Monster Raving Loony Party – they’re currently drawing on the number of times they’ve beaten each other and the Monster Raving Loony Party joke about it on their website.  That’s right, the Monster Raving Loony Party are making fun of the English Democrats’ performance in elections.  Strange how Tilbrook’s speech didn’t mention the English Democrats getting beaten not just by the Monster Raving Loony Party in Eastleigh but also by the Elvis Loves Pets Party and the Beer, Baccy and a Pint Party.

Then there’s the suggestion that Nigel Farage approached Tilbrook to offer him the deputy leadership of UKIP in exchange for winding up the English Democrats during the 2010 election campaign – a claim he has repeated many times. Lord Pearson was leader of UKIP during the 2010 election campaign, not Nigel Farage.

It’s interesting to see that Peter Davies’ falling out with the party started when he refused to employ an English Democrats activist as a £35k a year assistant.  Clearly getting Peter Davies elected was seen as a money-spinning opportunity for the party and noses were put out of joint when that failed to materialise.  That Tilbrook then trivialises Davies’ obviously serious concerns about the takeover of the party by racists and extremists is quite telling of the quality of his leadership.

Finally, it’s brilliant to see UKIP Black Ops get another mention by Tilbrook. UKIP Black Ops was invented by Steve Uncles a while back and those of us who are supposed to be part of this apparently secretive operation (so secret that Uncles knows all about it) funded personally by Nigel Farage have great fun taking the piss out of the English Democrats over it.

I’m sure there’s more in there of interest to those that follow the comical performance of the English Democrats but I really couldn’t be bothered to read any more.

Hippo meat found in sausages

The Ankh Morpork Times

The Truth Shall Make Ye Fret!

The Guild of Merchants and Traders has launched a formal investigation into allegations that sausages in Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler’s premium Sausage Inna Bun have been found to contain hippo meat.

Guild Vice President Rerpf said “The Guild was made aware of the allegations by a concerned resident of Ankh Morpork who purchased one of Mr Dibbler’s products in Fat Sally’s coffee shop in Squeezebelly Street. We have launched a full investigation into the allegations and Crysophrase’s Meat Futures Warehouse, which is the suspected source of the hippo meat, has been closed pending the outcome”.

Mr Dibbler of Sator Square said “Every Sausage Inna Bun contains 100% domesticated animal. I am confident that I will be exonner … exonnia … cleared of these malicious accusations”.

Crysophrase the Troll was unavailable for comment.



Dilbert Fruit & Veg Happiness

Oh dear

Spotted at our local school the other day …

… anti-climb paint on a climbing wall.

Scientists warn of ice age

Frozen River Thames - Toasty

Global warming in action

Put your factor 400 sun cream back in the drawer, the National Solar Observatory and US Air Force Research Authority have warned that we could be heading for a mini ice age within a decade thanks to a drop in sun-spot activity.

I remember the tail end of the scaremongering over the impending ice age when I started secondary school and that was 22 years ago.  Back then the scientists were convinced we were about to enter into another ice age, just like they’re convinced now that we’re going to see global warming.  The only difference is that back then the ice age propaganda wasn’t being used by politicians for political gain or to make corrupt scientists very rich and powerful whereas global warming climate change global climate disruption propaganda is.

I wonder what scare it’ll be in another 20 years’ time.

Pakistan launches Facebook rival

Facebook fans in Pakistan will no doubt be pleased to learn that a home-grown rival to Facebook has been released following the site being banned in the country …


Five more years of hurt?

The Tory MP, Eric Pickles, is saying on Twitter that No Mandate Brown has told the News of the World that he will stay on for a full term if Liebour is re-elected in this year’s general election.

So that’s 5 more reasons not to vote for Liebour when Bottler Brown eventually calls an election.

Just as well El Gordo stands as much chance as a ghost’s fart in a force 10 gale.

Gordy, Gordy, Gordy! Out, out, out!

Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt, both former Ministers, have written an open letter to all Liebour MPs calling for a secret ballot on No Mandate Brown’s leadership of the party.

They say the party is “deeply divided” and that the question of McBroon’s leadership needs to be “sorted out once and for all”.

The Liebour Party is battling with crippling debts and is technically insolvent.  It is facing regular revolts from the unions that are keeping them out of the bankruptcy courts and MPs are in open revolt.  There are more unelected peers in the cabinet than there has ever been in history, making a mockery of Liebour’s claim to be the party of the working class man.  Liebour was virtually wiped out at the EU election in June last year, coming in fourth place behind the Tories, UKIP and – embarassingly – the Lib Dims.  The state of the economy would shame a third world finance minister and the Liebour propaganda machine just churns out meaningless drivel about “our message”, “shared values”, “fairness” and “getting on with the job” to mask the fact that they have absolutely no idea what to do next.

It remains to be seen whether Liebour MPs ditch El Gordo this close to an election.  Not only does it show how weak and divided they are, but surely even the Liebour Party wouldn’t dare to impose yet another no mandate Prime Minister on us without an election?  Has there ever been a case in our history where we’ve had three Prime Minister’s from the same party with only one election?  Perhaps that’s their plan – to oust McBroon, call a snap election and try and stem their losses?

I have a feeling the One Eyed Wonder of Wankistan will call an early election and hope for a career-saving miracle rather than lose a ballot on his leadership but once the election is over, he will be gone and Peter Mandelson will flounce in to take his place.  Mandelson has been hogging the limelight ever since he began his bizarre third stint in government and only yesterday he announced plans for a one-off Queen’s Jubilee bank holiday in England in 2010 despite the British Department for English Media, English Culture and English Sport being the ones running with it.

Mandelson’s leadership campaign started the minute he was brough back into McBroon’s cabinet of all the talentless.

Finger Licking Expert

We went to KFC the other night.  The chicken was great, of course, as you would expect from KFC.  Must be the battery farmed, force-fed chickens.

Anyway, I noticed that they’ve all got new name badges with new job titles such as “Front Till Expert” and “Window Till Expert”.  In fact, every name badge I saw had the word “Expert” on it.  I’m not entirely convinced that anyone working in KFC is an expert in anything.

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Eco-terrorists convicted

The 29 eco-terrorists that stopped a coal train going into the Drax power station have been convicted of obstructing the train and sentenced to community service.

Climate Change My ArseBack in September a group of hippy freaks from Greenpeace broke into Kingsnorth power station and caused £30k of damage.  They got away with it because they convinced a judge that their bullshit discredited climate change theories said that the power station would cause more damage to the environment than they were causing to the power station so their vandalism and criminal damage was justified.

I said then that the defence would be used again and it has – the Drax eco-terrorists tried to use the same defence but thankfully this judge didn’t buy into their climate change bollocks and refused to listen to their “evidence”.

Socialist Unity are having a whip-round to pay their fines.  Good luck with that, Jobseekers Allowance doesn’t pay that much.

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We are not amused

One of my spies tells me that the council took the £75 fine I sent to them for leaving my bins in the road to a meeting with their contractor, TWS.

Apparently TWS thought it was funny but the council weren’t amused and told them to sort it out.  Needless to say, my bins were put back where they got them from today.

I did ask my spy if I was going to get a cheque for £75 but they thought it unlikely.

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What’s good for the goose …

Some people accuse me of being a piss-taker, how can they say such things?

Fixed Penalty Notice to Telford & Wrekin Council for leaving wheelie bins in the road

This will be in the post today.

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Mumbai Calling

Just watching the very excellent new ITV drama, Mumbai Calling.  Tonight’s episode guest stars Richard E. Grant …

Now, for instance, if someone speaks to you like this:

“I don’t like you, I deep fry my breakfast and give cigarettes to my children”

… they are called Scottish people who have no appreciation for the touring theatre and whatever they say to you or indeed throw at you your answer must always be “screw you Jimmy”.  After me …
All: Screw you Jimmy

But what if you’re not speaking to Jimmy?

They’re all called Jimmy, it’s the law


Ant and Dec are from Newcastle, they seem so normal

On the outside yes, on the inside they’re bastards

Funny but a little unfair on the cheeky chaps from Tynside.

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Job Advert of the year

This job advert was in the Shropshire Star tonight.  It was so unusual, I had to give it a public airing …

Glue pot wanted.

Will live in the Wrexham area and work from home.

Will be computer literate and attractive personality with a flair for organising and acting as part time secretary, dogsbody, research assistant, admin manager, arranger.

Self starter who can see the wood for the trees and can get things done without needing somebody else to tell them how to suck eggs.

Not hard work, probably requiring no more than 16 hours a week.  More intelligence and brain power and ability to think outside the box.  You will be supported by the Moneypenny telephone answering service.  Tell us about yourself and salary required and any future ambitions.

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Inspired by Toque

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