Archive for Funny
Silly Tilly’s Jackanory Conference Speech
Robin Tilbrook has posted a copy of his speech from the English Democrats’ party conference in Doncaster last week. This rip-roaring event was attended by as many as 50 people, including the speakers. Quite the political force.
I tried to read the speech properly but I was bored to tears very quickly despite the many humorous attempts to mislead people and jackanory stories. I did manage to skim through it though and a few things jumped out.
The Raving Loonies campaigning in Eastleigh
Such as the UKIP by-election results Tilbrook quotes comparing the English Democrats’ awful by-election results favourably with UKIP’s early by-election results. But his list is a selective list of Scottish by-election results out of a long list of by-elections contested by UKIP in every member state of the UK over the period he refers to. He points out that UKIP have lost to the Monster Raving Loony Party before and he’s correct – four times in 1995 and 1996, on one occasion by none other than Peter Davies – but these were the 6th, 7th, 8th and 9th by-elections UKIP ever contested and the party had only been in existence for 3 years. Eleven years after being formed and the English Democrats are still losing to the Monster Raving Loony Party – they’re currently drawing on the number of times they’ve beaten each other and the Monster Raving Loony Party joke about it on their website. That’s right, the Monster Raving Loony Party are making fun of the English Democrats’ performance in elections. Strange how Tilbrook’s speech didn’t mention the English Democrats getting beaten not just by the Monster Raving Loony Party in Eastleigh but also by the Elvis Loves Pets Party and the Beer, Baccy and a Pint Party.
Then there’s the suggestion that Nigel Farage approached Tilbrook to offer him the deputy leadership of UKIP in exchange for winding up the English Democrats during the 2010 election campaign – a claim he has repeated many times. Lord Pearson was leader of UKIP during the 2010 election campaign, not Nigel Farage.
It’s interesting to see that Peter Davies’ falling out with the party started when he refused to employ an English Democrats activist as a £35k a year assistant. Clearly getting Peter Davies elected was seen as a money-spinning opportunity for the party and noses were put out of joint when that failed to materialise. That Tilbrook then trivialises Davies’ obviously serious concerns about the takeover of the party by racists and extremists is quite telling of the quality of his leadership.
Finally, it’s brilliant to see UKIP Black Ops get another mention by Tilbrook. UKIP Black Ops was invented by Steve Uncles a while back and those of us who are supposed to be part of this apparently secretive operation (so secret that Uncles knows all about it) funded personally by Nigel Farage have great fun taking the piss out of the English Democrats over it.
I’m sure there’s more in there of interest to those that follow the comical performance of the English Democrats but I really couldn’t be bothered to read any more.
Hippo meat found in sausages
The Ankh Morpork Times
The Truth Shall Make Ye Fret!
The Guild of Merchants and Traders has launched a formal investigation into allegations that sausages in Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler’s premium Sausage Inna Bun have been found to contain hippo meat.
Guild Vice President Rerpf said “The Guild was made aware of the allegations by a concerned resident of Ankh Morpork who purchased one of Mr Dibbler’s products in Fat Sally’s coffee shop in Squeezebelly Street. We have launched a full investigation into the allegations and Crysophrase’s Meat Futures Warehouse, which is the suspected source of the hippo meat, has been closed pending the outcome”.
Mr Dibbler of Sator Square said “Every Sausage Inna Bun contains 100% domesticated animal. I am confident that I will be exonner … exonnia … cleared of these malicious accusations”.
Crysophrase the Troll was unavailable for comment.
Snigger
@grahamjarvis @bloggers4ukip Libdems will be able to hold MP’s meetings in a phone box in 2016, and still have a girl with a drinks tray
— Richard Lionheart (@RichardLionhea) December 1, 2012
Oh dear
Spotted at our local school the other day …
… anti-climb paint on a climbing wall.
Scientists warn of ice age
Global warming in action
Put your factor 400 sun cream back in the drawer, the National Solar Observatory and US Air Force Research Authority have warned that we could be heading for a mini ice age within a decade thanks to a drop in sun-spot activity.
I remember the tail end of the scaremongering over the impending ice age when I started secondary school and that was 22 years ago. Back then the scientists were convinced we were about to enter into another ice age, just like they’re convinced now that we’re going to see global warming. The only difference is that back then the ice age propaganda wasn’t being used by politicians for political gain or to make corrupt scientists very rich and powerful whereas global warming climate change global climate disruption propaganda is.
I wonder what scare it’ll be in another 20 years’ time.
Pakistan launches Facebook rival
Facebook fans in Pakistan will no doubt be pleased to learn that a home-grown rival to Facebook has been released following the site being banned in the country …
Five more years of hurt?
The Tory MP, Eric Pickles, is saying on Twitter that No Mandate Brown has told the News of the World that he will stay on for a full term if Liebour is re-elected in this year’s general election.
So that’s 5 more reasons not to vote for Liebour when Bottler Brown eventually calls an election.
Just as well El Gordo stands as much chance as a ghost’s fart in a force 10 gale.
Gordy, Gordy, Gordy! Out, out, out!
Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt, both former Ministers, have written an open letter to all Liebour MPs calling for a secret ballot on No Mandate Brown’s leadership of the party.
They say the party is “deeply divided” and that the question of McBroon’s leadership needs to be “sorted out once and for all”.
The Liebour Party is battling with crippling debts and is technically insolvent. It is facing regular revolts from the unions that are keeping them out of the bankruptcy courts and MPs are in open revolt. There are more unelected peers in the cabinet than there has ever been in history, making a mockery of Liebour’s claim to be the party of the working class man. Liebour was virtually wiped out at the EU election in June last year, coming in fourth place behind the Tories, UKIP and – embarassingly – the Lib Dims. The state of the economy would shame a third world finance minister and the Liebour propaganda machine just churns out meaningless drivel about “our message”, “shared values”, “fairness” and “getting on with the job” to mask the fact that they have absolutely no idea what to do next.
It remains to be seen whether Liebour MPs ditch El Gordo this close to an election. Not only does it show how weak and divided they are, but surely even the Liebour Party wouldn’t dare to impose yet another no mandate Prime Minister on us without an election? Has there ever been a case in our history where we’ve had three Prime Minister’s from the same party with only one election? Perhaps that’s their plan – to oust McBroon, call a snap election and try and stem their losses?
I have a feeling the One Eyed Wonder of Wankistan will call an early election and hope for a career-saving miracle rather than lose a ballot on his leadership but once the election is over, he will be gone and Peter Mandelson will flounce in to take his place. Mandelson has been hogging the limelight ever since he began his bizarre third stint in government and only yesterday he announced plans for a one-off Queen’s Jubilee bank holiday in England in 2010 despite the British Department for English Media, English Culture and English Sport being the ones running with it.
Mandelson’s leadership campaign started the minute he was brough back into McBroon’s cabinet of all the talentless.
Finger Licking Expert
We went to KFC the other night. The chicken was great, of course, as you would expect from KFC. Must be the battery farmed, force-fed chickens.
Anyway, I noticed that they’ve all got new name badges with new job titles such as “Front Till Expert” and “Window Till Expert”. In fact, every name badge I saw had the word “Expert” on it. I’m not entirely convinced that anyone working in KFC is an expert in anything.
Technorati Tags: KFC
Eco-terrorists convicted
The 29 eco-terrorists that stopped a coal train going into the Drax power station have been convicted of obstructing the train and sentenced to community service.
Back in September a group of hippy freaks from Greenpeace broke into Kingsnorth power station and caused £30k of damage. They got away with it because they convinced a judge that their bullshit discredited climate change theories said that the power station would cause more damage to the environment than they were causing to the power station so their vandalism and criminal damage was justified.
I said then that the defence would be used again and it has – the Drax eco-terrorists tried to use the same defence but thankfully this judge didn’t buy into their climate change bollocks and refused to listen to their “evidence”.
Socialist Unity are having a whip-round to pay their fines. Good luck with that, Jobseekers Allowance doesn’t pay that much.
Technorati Tags: Drax, Eco-terrorism
We are not amused
One of my spies tells me that the council took the £75 fine I sent to them for leaving my bins in the road to a meeting with their contractor, TWS.
Apparently TWS thought it was funny but the council weren’t amused and told them to sort it out. Needless to say, my bins were put back where they got them from today.
I did ask my spy if I was going to get a cheque for £75 but they thought it unlikely.
Technorati Tags: Telford & Wrekin Council, TWS, Bins, Fixed Penalty, Walls Have Ears
What’s good for the goose …
Some people accuse me of being a piss-taker, how can they say such things?
This will be in the post today.
Technorati Tags: Telford, Wheelie Bins, Fixed Penalty
Mumbai Calling
Just watching the very excellent new ITV drama, Mumbai Calling. Tonight’s episode guest stars Richard E. Grant …
Now, for instance, if someone speaks to you like this:
“I don’t like you, I deep fry my breakfast and give cigarettes to my children”
… they are called Scottish people who have no appreciation for the touring theatre and whatever they say to you or indeed throw at you your answer must always be “screw you Jimmy”. After me …
All: Screw you JimmyBut what if you’re not speaking to Jimmy?
They’re all called Jimmy, it’s the law
Genius!
Ant and Dec are from Newcastle, they seem so normal
On the outside yes, on the inside they’re bastards
Funny but a little unfair on the cheeky chaps from Tynside.
Technorati Tags: Mumbai Calling, ITV
Job Advert of the year
This job advert was in the Shropshire Star tonight. It was so unusual, I had to give it a public airing …
Glue pot wanted.
Will live in the Wrexham area and work from home.
Will be computer literate and attractive personality with a flair for organising and acting as part time secretary, dogsbody, research assistant, admin manager, arranger.
Self starter who can see the wood for the trees and can get things done without needing somebody else to tell them how to suck eggs.
Not hard work, probably requiring no more than 16 hours a week. More intelligence and brain power and ability to think outside the box. You will be supported by the Moneypenny telephone answering service. Tell us about yourself and salary required and any future ambitions.
Technorati Tags: Shropshire Star, Job Advert, Funny
Support the PM petition again
The Number 10 petitions team have obviously got bored of trying to filter out the joke names from the Support the PM petition.
After the list got to about 170 signatures, most of which I saved for prosperity, they took out all the spam and were left with … 7 names. Oh dear.
There have been a couple of attempts to clear the petition up but the list of spam names is growing all the time. One again, I’ll save the names for prosperity here:
- Brad Owen
- john fisk
- I. Wright
- Nicola O’Connor
- Paul Uppal
- Brid Mary Campbell
- Tracey Hoek
- Ali Craft
- rita holland
- John Doe
- peter greenhill
- Robin Scott
- Raj Scott
- Adam Applegarth
- Andrew Ford
- Truman Antrum
- Ben Unkerman
- Ferdy & Liza Packer
- R Barker
- y jacobs
- Neil Roberts
- Victoria. G
- I R Manatee
- Jatin
- Hans-Peter Walsh
- linda wallace
- caitriona ni choitir
- Anthony Bowdidge
- Colin Mitchell
- Jonathan Bevington
- Annette Markillie
- Alan Markillie
- Joe King
- Fuj Pakab Rown
- And still the Scottish Robber, Scottish Raj, and T.Antrum remain – LOL
- As do John Doe, Ferdy Liza Packer, a marine mammal and others – ROFLMAO
- Field Marshall Sir Arthur Grebe-Streebling
- Bonehead Brown
- I R Another Manatee… hello
- Albi Fayed
- barrack obama
- Ivan R. Donne
- Mrs Myrtle Proper
- Richard Head
- Tanya Hyde
- Robin Demmall
- Chris Lyon
- Wayne Kergurden
- Jane Doe
- W. Mittie
- Bob Mougarby
- Madame la Guillotine
- Edna Basket
- Yosif Stalin
- Rex Nation
- Gerry Mannering
- Hal Furney
- William Joyce
- Sarah Brown
- Tony, Cherie and the rest of the Blairs. Doing a fine job, Gordy. Keep it up.
- Roger the Cabine Boy
What a joke our glorious leader is. Is there a single person in this country that has even the slightest bit of respect for him?
Technorati Tags: No Mandate Brown, Petition
Another petition to sign
The petition calling on El Gordo to resign now has over 25k signatures.
But it’s spawned another petition calling for him to carry on leading our great country which I would urge you to sign. I don’t imagine the petition will be there for long so I’ll list the names below …
- Brad Owen
- john fisk
- Ashie
- Joy Wendy Endcomes
- Andrew Neil
- Charles Ponzi
- D N Disnigh
- Noki Aitonthehead
- I. Wright
- Mr N.O. McMandate
- Ivor Broquen-Printer
- Mr. P. Iss-Off
- Mr S Meargate
- Dustin Mihands
- Gordon Smallcock
- Mrs Tricoteuse
- Prof L. Igate-Tosser
- Nick Robinson
- Asif Ali ZARDARI, President
- Sarah Brown
- Gordon pension robber Brown
- All your friends at the BBC
- A.S. Long-As-It’s The Wright Thing
- Juan Ay-Jocque
- Billy Nomates
- I.T. Beganinamerica
- Simon Scrotum
- No More Return To Boom And BUST
- Karl Marx
- Dolly Draper
- Orson Carte
- Phil McHunt
- Imoff Tofrance
- Nucking Futter
- R Ving-Lhuun
- Mr Bunk Spubble (Labour supporter)
- it’s oor oil
- Andrew Marr
- F*ck off back to Scotland
- Arthur Brown Penis
- Do you think you’ll manage to get to 10 REAL signatures?
- Referee R.ndum and U. Ropevote
- Mr Barnett Dividend (Scottish Labour)
- Nicola O’Connor
- Wayne Kerr. Go Gordon your doing a grand job!
- Vaal Ewes
- Seymour Jocksin-Cabinet
- Bob Roberts Hamster
- Betty Swallocks
- Rock Ing-Horse
- M. Outhbreather
- Hugh R. Slicker
- Ilick Windows
- Blair mayne UUPCON
- I Hate Broon
- Robert Barking-Roberts
- K Y Jelly
- Toenails Robinson
- Jacqui Five-Bellies
- google ho-tel
- Jim Hacker’s Dangly Knackers
- Stalin
- Hugh Janus
- Josef Fritzel
- My mate Gordo and me shag sheep at the weekends
- Esan Utter
- Iain Dale media whore
- Frankie McCheesecake
- Phil MacAvity
- Monk d’willy da honk
- 1eyed Scottish IDIOT
- HARRIET (too big for my boots) HARMAN
- Jonah Broon
- C.U. Jimmy
- U MacMesick
- B Ukake-Smith
- I.F. No-Job
- Tony Blair
- Napoleon,Snowball,Squealer and the rest of the pigs from Animal Farm
- Aime Wright-Burke
- Adolf Hitler
- Gordon FitzPeter
- Peter FitzGordon
- Gote Farqhuhar
- Mike Hunt
- Rufus T- Smee
- Damian McSmear
- Another fat faced bogey eater
- I’m going to emmigrate if Brown still leads the UK in a week
- Len dusafiver
- Titanic Captain
- prudence mcnutter
- Yuri Wright -Tosser
- Mr. You Don’t Stand a Chance.
- His Holiness Pope Tony; purveyor of snake oil and associated transitory miracles
- Cyclops McFuckup
- R.E. Sign-u-tosser
- Ian Brady
- King Cnut and you have something in common
- Zanu Liebour
- Ivor Hardon
- Hugh G. Rection
- B.Uggeroff
- Sir Fred Goodwin (thanks for the knighthood)
- Paki Shop Owner
- Ayatollah Hogmanay
- Tony ‘I got out with at least some credibility’ Blair
- Chipped Wheelie Bin
- F Cough andie
- Brownisahoon
- Piss Off Brown!!
- Fidel X Penses
- Tony (I’m back and available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs) Blair
- Gay Gordons Syphilitic Knobcheese
- ALan Duncan Comic Genius
- Polly the Tuscan
- S Nottgobbler
- Yasmin Alibhai-Brown
- Iwillnotlethousepricesgetoutofcontrol
- Guido Fawkes
- G B Rownsakundt
- Paul Uppal
- Winston Smith
One or two of those might be down to me. Ahem.
Bloggers4UKIP: Erm … nice logo
No, this isn’t the new UK Fuel logo for a new type of eco-friendly power station, it’s the logo of the United Kingdom First Party.
The motto of the UK First Party is “Country before self” – a rallying call for fascists everywhere, very Musollini-esque.
Fascism is a radical, authoritarian nationalist ideology that aims to create a single-party state with a government led by a dictator who seeks national unity and development by requiring individuals to subordinate self-interest to the collective interest of the nation or race.
Now, it’s important not to confuse the UK First Party with the British First Party, which is a different British fascist party, or the England First Party which appears to have borrowed half of its manifesto from Mein Kampf.
The UK First Party was co-founded by Peter Cole, the now ex-chairman of the UKIP Fenland branch which he dissolved when he set up his new party. Peter Cole has been in open revolt against Nigel Farage and the NEC for some time now.
The UK First Party blog gives an insight into what we can expect from them in the future. They are making much of the fact that Peter Cole is Tom Wise MEP’s secretary and the fact that both Tom Wise and Ashley Mote might not think they’re complete fruitcakes. According to the blog, Wise and Mote are both UKIP MEPs. They may have been elected as UKIP MEPs but they were both expelled from the party – Mote because he was charged with fraud and is currently on police bail and Wise because he was accused of fraud by the EU (over his secretarial expenses, incidently).
So while they are telling readers that they have the secretary of a UKIP MEP in their party and two UKIP MEPs that might support them, the truth is that two independent MEPs – one of which is a convicted fraudster – haven’t laughed at them and the secretary of one of those independent MEPs is a founder of their party. Not exactly the coup they make it out to be!
The official leader of the UK First Party is Rebecca Faye Hilman and its treasurer is Tamsin Ruth Bowden and the registered address – 18 Falconers Mews in Swindon – is someone’s house on a new housing development. The UK First Party doesn’t have any registered emblems and bizarrely, they’ve declared themselves not to be a small party. Where they’re going to find 10 grand to field a candidate in an EU election is anyone’s guess.
The UK First Party has been compared to Veritas, perhaps a little unkindly. Veritas is, after all, still limping along in relative obscurity 4 years after Robert Kiljoy-Slick started it all off.
Technorati Tags: UK First Party
