Archive for Funny

Support the PM petition again

The Number 10 petitions team have obviously got bored of trying to filter out the joke names from the Support the PM petition.

After the list got to about 170 signatures, most of which I saved for prosperity, they took out all the spam and were left with … 7 names.  Oh dear.

There have been a couple of attempts to clear the petition up but the list of spam names is growing all the time.  One again, I’ll save the names for prosperity here:

  • Brad Owen
  • john fisk
  • I. Wright
  • Nicola O’Connor
  • Paul Uppal
  • Brid Mary Campbell
  • Tracey Hoek
  • Ali Craft
  • rita holland
  • John Doe
  • peter greenhill
  • Robin Scott
  • Raj Scott
  • Adam Applegarth
  • Andrew Ford
  • Truman Antrum
  • Ben Unkerman
  • Ferdy & Liza Packer
  • R Barker
  • y jacobs
  • Neil Roberts
  • Victoria. G
  • I R Manatee
  • Jatin
  • Hans-Peter Walsh
  • linda wallace
  • caitriona ni choitir
  • Anthony Bowdidge
  • Colin Mitchell
  • Jonathan Bevington
  • Annette Markillie
  • Alan Markillie
  • Joe King
  • Fuj Pakab Rown
  • And still the Scottish Robber, Scottish Raj, and T.Antrum remain – LOL
  • As do John Doe, Ferdy Liza Packer, a marine mammal and others – ROFLMAO
  • Field Marshall Sir Arthur Grebe-Streebling
  • Bonehead Brown
  • I R Another Manatee… hello
  • Albi Fayed
  • barrack obama
  • Ivan R. Donne
  • Mrs Myrtle Proper
  • Richard Head
  • Tanya Hyde
  • Robin Demmall
  • Chris Lyon
  • Wayne Kergurden
  • Jane Doe
  • W. Mittie
  • Bob Mougarby
  • Madame la Guillotine
  • Edna Basket
  • Yosif Stalin
  • Rex Nation
  • Gerry Mannering
  • Hal Furney
  • William Joyce
  • Sarah Brown
  • Tony, Cherie and the rest of the Blairs. Doing a fine job, Gordy. Keep it up.
  • Roger the Cabine Boy

What a joke our glorious leader is.  Is there a single person in this country that has even the slightest bit of respect for him?

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Another petition to sign

The petition calling on El Gordo to resign now has over 25k signatures.

But it’s spawned another petition calling for him to carry on leading our great country which I would urge you to sign.  I don’t imagine the petition will be there for long so I’ll list the names below …

  • Brad Owen
  • john fisk
  • Ashie
  • Joy Wendy Endcomes
  • Andrew Neil
  • Charles Ponzi
  • D N Disnigh
  • Noki Aitonthehead
  • I. Wright
  • Mr N.O. McMandate
  • Ivor Broquen-Printer
  • Mr. P. Iss-Off
  • Mr S Meargate
  • Dustin Mihands
  • Gordon Smallcock
  • Mrs Tricoteuse
  • Prof L. Igate-Tosser
  • Nick Robinson
  • Asif Ali ZARDARI, President
  • Sarah Brown
  • Gordon pension robber Brown
  • All your friends at the BBC
  • A.S. Long-As-It’s The Wright Thing
  • Juan Ay-Jocque
  • Billy Nomates
  • I.T. Beganinamerica
  • Simon Scrotum
  • No More Return To Boom And BUST
  • Karl Marx
  • Dolly Draper
  • Orson Carte
  • Phil McHunt
  • Imoff Tofrance
  • Nucking Futter
  • R Ving-Lhuun
  • Mr Bunk Spubble (Labour supporter)
  • it’s oor oil
  • Andrew Marr
  • F*ck off back to Scotland
  • Arthur Brown Penis
  • Do you think you’ll manage to get to 10 REAL signatures?
  • Referee R.ndum and U. Ropevote
  • Mr Barnett Dividend (Scottish Labour)
  • Nicola O’Connor
  • Wayne Kerr. Go Gordon your doing a grand job!
  • Vaal Ewes
  • Seymour Jocksin-Cabinet
  • Bob Roberts Hamster
  • Betty Swallocks
  • Rock Ing-Horse
  • M. Outhbreather
  • Hugh R. Slicker
  • Ilick Windows
  • Blair mayne UUPCON
  • I Hate Broon
  • Robert Barking-Roberts
  • K Y Jelly
  • Toenails Robinson
  • Jacqui Five-Bellies
  • google ho-tel
  • Jim Hacker’s Dangly Knackers
  • Stalin
  • Hugh Janus
  • Josef Fritzel
  • My mate Gordo and me shag sheep at the weekends
  • Esan Utter
  • Iain Dale media whore
  • Frankie McCheesecake
  • Phil MacAvity
  • Monk d’willy da honk
  • 1eyed Scottish IDIOT
  • HARRIET (too big for my boots) HARMAN
  • Jonah Broon
  • C.U. Jimmy
  • U MacMesick
  • B Ukake-Smith
  • I.F. No-Job
  • Tony Blair
  • Napoleon,Snowball,Squealer and the rest of the pigs from Animal Farm
  • Aime Wright-Burke
  • Adolf Hitler
  • Gordon FitzPeter
  • Peter FitzGordon
  • Gote Farqhuhar
  • Mike Hunt
  • Rufus T- Smee
  • Damian McSmear
  • Another fat faced bogey eater
  • I’m going to emmigrate if Brown still leads the UK in a week
  • Len dusafiver
  • Titanic Captain
  • prudence mcnutter
  • Yuri Wright -Tosser
  • Mr. You Don’t Stand a Chance.
  • His Holiness Pope Tony; purveyor of snake oil and associated transitory miracles
  • Cyclops McFuckup
  • R.E. Sign-u-tosser
  • Ian Brady
  • King Cnut and you have something in common
  • Zanu Liebour
  • Ivor Hardon
  • Hugh G. Rection
  • B.Uggeroff
  • Sir Fred Goodwin (thanks for the knighthood)
  • Paki Shop Owner
  • Ayatollah Hogmanay
  • Tony ‘I got out with at least some credibility’ Blair
  • Chipped Wheelie Bin
  • F Cough andie
  • Brownisahoon
  • Piss Off Brown!!
  • Fidel X Penses
  • Tony (I’m back and available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs) Blair
  • Gay Gordons Syphilitic Knobcheese
  • ALan Duncan Comic Genius
  • Polly the Tuscan
  • S Nottgobbler
  • Yasmin Alibhai-Brown
  • Iwillnotlethousepricesgetoutofcontrol
  • Guido Fawkes
  • G B Rownsakundt
  • Paul Uppal
  • Winston Smith

One or two of those might be down to me.  Ahem.

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Bloggers4UKIP: Erm … nice logo

No, this isn’t the new UK Fuel logo for a new type of eco-friendly power station, it’s the logo of the United Kingdom First Party.
The motto of the UK First Party is “Country before self” – a rallying call for fascists everywhere, very Musollini-esque.

Fascism is a radical, authoritarian nationalist ideology that aims to create a single-party state with a government led by a dictator who seeks national unity and development by requiring individuals to subordinate self-interest to the collective interest of the nation or race.

Now, it’s important not to confuse the UK First Party with the British First Party, which is a different British fascist party, or the England First Party which appears to have borrowed half of its manifesto from Mein Kampf.

The UK First Party was co-founded by Peter Cole, the now ex-chairman of the UKIP Fenland branch which he dissolved when he set up his new party. Peter Cole has been in open revolt against Nigel Farage and the NEC for some time now.

The UK First Party blog gives an insight into what we can expect from them in the future. They are making much of the fact that Peter Cole is Tom Wise MEP’s secretary and the fact that both Tom Wise and Ashley Mote might not think they’re complete fruitcakes. According to the blog, Wise and Mote are both UKIP MEPs. They may have been elected as UKIP MEPs but they were both expelled from the party – Mote because he was charged with fraud and is currently on police bail and Wise because he was accused of fraud by the EU (over his secretarial expenses, incidently).

So while they are telling readers that they have the secretary of a UKIP MEP in their party and two UKIP MEPs that might support them, the truth is that two independent MEPs – one of which is a convicted fraudster – haven’t laughed at them and the secretary of one of those independent MEPs is a founder of their party. Not exactly the coup they make it out to be!

The official leader of the UK First Party is Rebecca Faye Hilman and its treasurer is Tamsin Ruth Bowden and the registered address – 18 Falconers Mews in Swindon – is someone’s house on a new housing development. The UK First Party doesn’t have any registered emblems and bizarrely, they’ve declared themselves not to be a small party. Where they’re going to find 10 grand to field a candidate in an EU election is anyone’s guess.

The UK First Party has been compared to Veritas, perhaps a little unkindly. Veritas is, after all, still limping along in relative obscurity 4 years after Robert Kiljoy-Slick started it all off.

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Normally I’m all for depriving environmentalists of oxygen but the lentil eating hippy that did this to Mandelson deserves her five minutes of fame.  Then she needs to be deprived of oxygen.

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Jeremy Clarkson Strikes Again

Good old Jeremy Clarkson, he always manages to get himself into trouble.  He’s got a long way to go before he can challenge Boris Johnson or Prince Phillip for the top spot but he’s a solid contender.

This time he’s offended blind people, disabled people and Scottish people by calling El Gordo a one-eyed Scottish idiot.

It’s interesting to see the amount of people who claim to be offended by what Clarkson said and it’s unfortunate that he’s apologised (although he refused to apologise about calling him an idiot) because when you examine the facts – he’s Scottish, he’s blind in one eye and he’s an idiot – Clarkson was bang on the money.

If Clarkson’s comment was offensive to the sweaty socks, perhaps this advert I did for the CEP a while ago will get the Scots and the English worked up …

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Licence to print money

From the Daily Mash, via the ginger one:

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RBS shares marginally less popular than Gary Glitter

I know it’s hard to believe but it appears that being a Scottish bank hasn’t, as previously thought, been a good enough reason for investors to plough their life savings into a bankrupt Royal bank of Scotland. Go figure.

RBS had another bumper rights issue as part of the deal with the devil Alistair Darling to get their hands on a few billion more of our hard earned cash. The idea was that they’d get loads of money of the taxpayer and then issue a few million shares to dilute the taxpayers stake in the bank to make sure the UK Treasury was a minority shareholder. Which would have been quite clever if it wasn’t for the fact that the bank is insolvent and the shares quite obviously so high risk as to be worthless as evidenced by the fact that hardly anybody has bought any of the new shares.

The upshot of this is that the UK Treasury now owns 57.9% of “oor bank”. That should please Alex Salmond.

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Oh dear, oh dear

Please try not to laugh, this is deadly serious.

Someone has leaked the BNP’s membership list and posted it on the internet.

Some BNP members are less than please judging by the comments on one BNP blog. Some of them are unhappy because they’re ashamed of their membership and have been outed and some are understandably worried because they could lose their jobs – such as the police officers who are banned from joining the BNP and whose names and professions are on the list.

There is open revolt on BNP blogs about this. Interesting, there are complaints about the BNP membership figures being inflated by as much as 50% and those false figures being used by Griffin to stop attempts to remove him as leader.

And in case anyone is wondering, I’ve checked the list and there are people I know to be BNP members on the list so it’s genuine.

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Three different letters, three different papers!

Well, what a bumper day this has been for letters.

First of all there’s this one in the Shropshire Star, in response to the council announcing that they’re going to put in average speed cameras on one of the safest roads, relatively speaking, in the borough:

Average speed trap not fair for motorists

Councillor Bentley wants average speed cameras for the A442 in Telford because they’re “fairer for motorists”? Fairer than what? There’s aren’t any speed cameras on the A442 in Telford and these new ones aren’t designed to be fair, they’re designed to catch more motorists than traditional speed cameras.

Will these speed cameras catch drivers that crawl down the outside lane at 40mph causing tailbacks and preventing other drivers from safely moving between lanes? Will it catch the drivers who undertake on cross-hatches?

Will it catch drivers who veer across from the outside lane at the last minute to exit the road? Will it catch drink drivers, erratic drivers, people weaving between lanes and cutting people up?

Like most drivers I sometimes break the speed limit and like most drivers I manage to do it without mowing down pedestrians or driving into other cars. The fact is, Telford & Wrekin Council changed the layout and speed limit of the A442 and made it more dangerous.

The number of accidents is down but the number of casualties is up which means that since they “improved” the road, the average accident is more serious and involves more people. Yet despite the best efforts of Telford & Wrekin Council, the A442 is still one of the safest roads of its type in the country.

Rather than install speed cameras at great expense to Telford taxpayers, the council should accept the fact that they made the A442 more dangerous by changing the lanes and reducing the speed limit and put it back to how it was a couple of years ago, complete with the 70mph speed limit.

Stuart Parr

Then there was this deliberately provocative letter in the Scotsman, in response to all the whinging letters about “Scottish banks being given to the English”:

If RBS and HBOS are Scottish banks and your average man on the street in Edinburgh is furious at losing “oor banks” to the English, can I respectfully suggest Scotland bails its own banks out?

It seems that when Scottish banks fail, the English end up paying to bail them out. It started with Darien and now the lion’s share of the £37 billion has gone to two Scottish banks.

We pay for your free prescriptions, your cancer treatments, and your free school meals and we pay to care for your elderly when they can’t look after themselves – all the things we supposedly can’t afford for ourselves. And what do we get in return? Anti-English bile and insulting, spurious claims that the Scottish oil industry, which English taxes paid for, even comes close to plugging the funding gap north of the Border.

If you want Scottish banks to remain Scottish then bail them out yourselves. If you don’t like the idea of relying on English money all the time, don’t take it. It’s not rocket science.

Stuart Parr
Telford, Shropshire

Finally, there’s this cheeky one in the First Post in response to some muppet who thinks the deputy editor of Prospect Magazine will be responsible for the Scots leaving the union because he upset them with an article about RBS:

Either Dave Bowen (above) has been on a really long holiday without access to news for the last decade or so or there is another country called Scotland that I was hitherto unaware of.

He says that if Scotland leaves the union then it will be because of “opinionated bigots” like Jonathan Ford. I wasn’t aware that Mr Ford had had such a long and illustrious career writing magazine articles dating back to 1934 when the seperatist Scottish National Party was launched.

I think that perhaps a generic dislike of the English and never buying into the whole “British” thing might have more to do with the Scots’ desire to leave the union. That and the belief that a few thousand barrels of oil will make Scotland the richest country this side of Saudi Arabia despite the gaping budget deficit the English plug every year.

And I did have a litle chuckle to myself when Mr Bowen said he wasn’t aware that being Scottish meant that you were automatically unsuitable for running anything more important than a chippy. If Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and the chief execs of HBOS and RBS are anything to go by then a chippy is probably asking a bit too much of them!

Stuart Parr

They should get a few people worked up. 🙂

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Only in America …

… could someone not only consider suing god but actually manage to get a judge to hear the case.

Senator Ernie Chambers of Nebraska brought a law suit against god to get a permanent injunction to prevent “death, destruction and terrorisation” caused by him.

He says he has done it to expose the ridiculous legal system in America that lets you sue anyone for anything and may appeal against the judge’s decision to thrown out the case because god has no address so papers can’t be served on him.  Senator Chambers says that the judge has acknowledged the existence of god which means they accept that he’s omnipotent and therefore knows about the law suit.

And this is supposed to be the most powerful country in the world?

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You can’t make stuff like this up …

Just looking for some information on a recent event held by Telford & Wrekin Council and came across the Leisure, Culture and Tourism page.

First thing I noticed was the missing comma in the title so it reads “Leisure Culture and Tourism”. It’s just a little thing but without the comma the title means something different.

Second thing I noticed was this:

Whether you wish to walk or cycle for leisure or to get to work or educaiton, there are plenty of routes to get you where you want to go

Is it any wonder Telford has a reputation as the shittiest, chaviest place in the whole god damn world when even the council can’t spell educayshun educascion edyucatshun that word for learning stuff that begins with “e”?

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Learnign to speel

I just took #4 to bed and read a book with her. It was a simple book – One Apple, Two Ducks, that kind of thing. Normally she’d have something with a bit more of a plot but I’m trying to teach her to read.

Anyway, she did well reading out the letters and doing the sign language to go with the pictures and numbers so I went for gold:

Me: How do you spell Dad?
#4: D
Me: Yes, what else?
#4: D O P I E

Hmmmm, I detect Mrs Sane’s influence here.

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Dirty European Shithead

This should brighten your day up – a whole page dedicated to insults meted out at the illiterate eurofederalist commie retard, Dirty European Spunkmonkey Socialist.

I just happened to mention, in passing, to the ginger one that it would be funny if all the insults he’s had were collated in one place and lo and behold, here it is: The Wall of DES.

The only thing missing is a picture of the slack jawed knob gobbler himself.

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Economics Explained

Naughty Bob Piper gives us an explanation of economics:

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belongs to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

I know which one I prefer and I bet you a pound euro it’s not the same one as Red Bob!

There is one massive oversight though …

BROWNISM: You have two cows.  You announce that you’re going to sell one of your cows in 6 months time and the price of cows halves.  You sell one cow and buy a picture of two donkeys.  You take one cow off every person in the country, milk it and then give them their cow back.  You give half the milk to a Frenchman who sells some of it back to you and half of what’s left to some ginger men in skirts.  You are now short of milk so you rent a cow off a TRADITIONAL CAPITALIST for double what you got for the cow you sold in the first place and pay for it with the milk you got from the aforementioned cow owning population.  You then add up all the milk you got from selling the first cow, the milk from the Frenchman, the milk you took from the cow owning population and the milk from the cow you rented and announce the biggest growth in milk production since 1997.

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How to make a stupid idea stupider

Birmingham City Council has sent a leaflet to 720,000 households to thank them for helping them hit their recycling targets early.

Printing 720,000 colour leaflets and posting them to every household is a pretty stupid thing to do in itself – it cost the taxpayer £15k and how many of those leaflets will end up being recycled?  I wonder what the carbon footprint of 720,000 leaflets is when you take into account the printing and delivery and all the other associated tasks involved in the activity.  Not very eco-friendly is it?

Anyway, I think it’s safe to say that sending the leaflets was a bloody stupid idea in the first place but to make it truly farcial, the city skyline printed on the leaflets was of Birmingham, Alabama!

It’s not as if it’s the first time someone’s used a picture of Birmingham, Alabama by mistake this year.

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Courtesy of Tommy English

An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman drinking beer in a country pub.

That night as they are leaving a huge truck thunders through main street and kills all three!

The next day the publican is surprised to see the Englishman walk back into his pub.

The Englishman tells him that yes, all three of them were killed but when they got to the pearly gates St Peter said they could come back to earth if they each paid him £20.

“Well obviously you paid up” said the publican “but what about the other two?”

The Englishman replied, “well the Scotsman is trying to haggle him down to £10 and the Welshman is trying to convince him that the Government will pay!”

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Tories take Henley, BNP beat Liebour

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – nobody stands a chance of winning a by-election but the Conswervative at the moment.

John Howell took 56.95% of the vote and ended up with nearly a 10,000 vote majority.

Liebour came fifth and lost his deposit, being beaten by the Illiberal Dumbocrats, the Green Party and the BNP.

UKIP came a disappointing sixth but they won’t be as disappointed as the English Democrats who came 8th behind the Monster Raving Loony Party.  The Miss Great Britain Party, bizarrely, put up two candidates for the same election.  I don’t think they quite get how it works because their combined vote would have put them above the English Democrats in 8th place.

If the last few election results are anything to go by, Liebour are likely to find themselves in third place at the next general election.

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Chelsea who?

I saw this outside the toilet door at work and had to take a picture.  Inspired.

Caution - John Terry

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It’s not looking good for Gordo

Following yesterday’s revelation in the press that Liebour is on the brink of bankruptcy, I did some digging of my own.

According to the list of loans at the Electoral Commission’s website, Liebour has almost £13m of loans due for repayment this year.

It also transpires that in quarter 4 of last year, even the Illiberal Dumbocrats took more in donations than Liebour did.  The Conswervatives, meanwhile, took around four times as much in donations than Liebour.

I’m currently waiting on someone from the Elecoral Commission to tell me what happens when the party in government is declared insolvent …

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They don’t like it up ’em!

Ian Taylor, a builder from Gloucestershire, has cut his car in half with and angle grinder rather than let wheel clamping bandits, NCP, take his car away.

He bought a knackered old Fiesta for his son but it was beyond economical repair so he declared it off-road and parked it on his drive while he waited to scrap it.  However, part of the back wheel was on the pavement so a jobsworth clamper put a clamp on the car.

NCP are standing by their actions and trying to demonise Taylor by saying that he put others in danger by cutting his car in half after the angle grinder set fire to it.

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