Archive for Funny

To all my left wing readers …

May Day Card

May the fire of socialism burn inside you as strong as the cars and shops your friends will be setting on fire today.

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Tesco to invade Poland?

A few weeks ago I asked what the apocalyptic non-event of the next decade would be.

It was a close race right up until a few days ago but there is now a clear winner:


The four “other” were:

  • An as yet unknown disease will sweep the world
  • New feudalism
  • English nationalism continues to rise, threating the existence of the Union.
  • Enviro-fascists cause Europe wide recession

Just one word of warning – Tesco invading Poland may sound unbelievable but they’ve set a precedent in Denmark!

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What next for gingers?

In the poll asking if gingers should be drowned at birth, 10 people said yes and 5 said no.  In view of this overwhelming support for the erradication of gingers, what should be done about the existing gingers?  I discussed this with my ginger colleague to gauge the views of the ginger community and he prefers a cull.

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Someone hasn’t thought this through

In today’s Birmingham Post … 

Blind are targeted with leaflet campaign

BLIND and partially-sighted Sandwell people and their carers are to be targeted in a year-long leaflet campaign offering help.

The project has been launched amid fears people with varying eyesight conditions are unaware of the assistance available to them.

Polly Kaur, who is leading the campaign for Sandwell’s adult services section, said: “I will be advising them of local services that are available to them including how to get a Blue Badge.”

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Just for a laugh …

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It’s a cracker

The following safety warning was found last night inside a christmas cracker:

Safety Warning

These crackers are for adult use only and not suitable for children under 5 years of age as they may contain a functional sharp point of edge, or small parts, which may constitute a choking hazrd.

Did I mention that the warning was inside the cracker?

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Parlez vous English?

Shopping with Mrs Sane yesterday, we popped into the Entertainer.  I couldn’t help laughing at the message on the box …

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Milking Climate Change for all it’s worth

Fresh milk is good for you right?  Good for your bones, good for your health in general and it tastes good.  I could drink gallons of the stuff if it wasn’t for the fact we already get through 5 or 6 pints a day as it is!

So why are the British government aiming to replace 90% of the milk in shops with sterilised UHT shit by 2020?  To prevent climate change of course!

DEFRA have decided that refrigerating milk is causing global warming so they are setting targets to replace fresh milk with UHT milk that doesn’t require refrigeration until after it’s been opened.

The British government’s obsession with climate change is reaching the point where it would be a joke if it wasn’t costing is billions.  DEFRA actually have a target to reduce methane emissions from cows by 60% within 15 to 20 years.  How the hell do you stop cows from farting for christs sake?

Hat-tip: Sepoy Agent

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Just in case anyone was wondering where Wankistan was …

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Read this and it’ll all become clear …

Dim oBalls(1) As Object

Set oBalls(0) = LeftTestical
Set oBalls(1) = RightTestical

If oBalls(1).Left < ScrotalArea.Width / 2 Then    oRightHand.Top = oBalls(0).Top + oBalls(0).Height    oRightHand.Left = oBalls(0).Left    Call CupHand(True)    oRightHand.Left = oBalls(0).Left + ((ScrotalArea.Width / 2) + (ScrotalArea.TwipsPerPube * 10))    Call CupHand(False)    Call MsgBox("Ahh, much better!", vbOkOnly + vbExclamation, "Balls Moved") Else   Call MsgBox("Balls already right-aligned!", vbOkOnly + vbInformation, "Balls Not Moved") End If

English nationalists risk civil war

Illiberal Dumbasscrat blog, Quaequam, is attempting to explain why an English Parliament is bad and why English people should submit to having their nationality and national identity abolished and their country broken up and lost forever.

This one is particularly entertaining in that the author really does seem to believe his somewhat bizarre claims, the most bizarre of which is “Every time an English Nationalist speaks they go on about how if we don’t have an English Parliament, we risk having a civil war,” closely followed by a comment saying that English MP’s make important decisions about Scotland all the time and citing the Barnett Formula – administered by a Scottish Chancellor of the Exchequer for the last 10 years – as an exmple!

Now, we all know that the Illliberal Dipshit’s don’t like England.  Their last three leaders have been an Irish commando, a Scottish alcoholic and a Scottish geriatric.  The Lib Dums are an irrelevance in England, the only place they have any influence is in Scotland and Wales where they traditionally vote for illiberal left wing eurofederalists.  But to suggest that every time someone complains about the British establishment’s racial discrimination against English people they are risking a civil war is simply a poor work of fiction.

The author tries to produce an air of mystery around the name, Quaequam, with this strange post – like anyone actually cares why his blog is called Quaequam!  I know that having read that you’ll be dying to know what it means and I did post a comment explaining it but it was deleted.  That might strike you as a bit childish but then the word “Quaequam” comes from a comic book and you really can’t expect much else from a grown man that reads children’s comic books.  Apart from the kind of crap he posts on his blog, I guess.

BBC denies claims it is promoting Islam …

More Spin from the Goblin King

A week or so ago, Quentin Davies defected from the Tories citing spin as one of the reasons he had changed from being a lifelong Conswervative to being a lifelong Liebour supporter.

It’s a case of out of the frying pan and into the fire for flip-flop Quentin whose carefully orchestrated defection was planned to the last second and his speech – written by Downing Street spin doctors – a masterpiece of treachery and spin. Since then the Downing Street propaganda machine has been spinning on its own axis – if only they’d had the forethought to stick them inside a turbine, they’d have produced enough green (or should that be brown?) electricity to power half of Central London for the last week.

The latest bit of spin revolves around No Mandate Brown’s pathetic attempts to wrap himself once more in the union flag and get English people to take on the British identity his government destroyed in 1997. According to the Downing Street propaganda machine, the glorious Goblin King has changed the rules so that public buildings are no longer restricted to flying the British flag for 18 days a year but now they can all revel in the same faux-British patriotic glory as Number 10 and fly the union flag 365 days a year. Gosh, isn’t he great?

Cue the Torygraph to piss on Gordon’s parade: Union flag already flying all year round.

The error was pointed out by the Flag Institute. Its spokesman, Michael Faul, said: “The 18 days are the days where they are required to fly the flag because of the importance of those days, such as the Queen’s official birthday.

“But there’s no law or custom which prevents any person in the UK flying the Union flag on any other day.”

I’d vote for him

Boris Johnson was interviewed for GQ Magazine by Piers “Sleaze Monkey” Morgan and Iain Dale has posted an exceprt.

Can you imagine Boris Johnson as Prime Minister?  Yes!  Politicians take themselves and politics far too seriously sometimes – Boris would be a breath of fresh air and amazingly popular Prime Minister.  He’s a walking diplomatic incident but how can anyone genuinely take offence at anything he says?  The fact that he’s a bumbling idiot is irrelevant – the United States is (any I use the term very loosely here) lead by a man who signs his name with a wax crayon and whose grip on reality is so tenuous that he once declared “I believe the human beings and fish can coexist peacefully”.  So Boris has had to apologise to not only individual people but an entire city (Liverpool) and a country (Papua New Guinea) – so what?

This is just absolutely priceless:

Piers: I don’t really buy this buffoon thing.  I think you play it up all to make money and charm the public, when underneath it all lurks a calculating, ambitious and very serious brain.

Boris: That’s very kind of you but you must consider the possibility that underneath it all there really may lurk a genuine buffoon.

Brilliant!  Love you Boris.

Oh dear!

Imagine the scene … a local council in the West Midlands decides the best way to deliver services to taxpayers is to set up a private limited company that doesn’t have to comply with the Freedom of Information Act and can operate in secrecy because of “commercial interests”.  They can throw vast sums of money at this company and nobody will know where it’s gone.


Except they thought they could get away with doing it all in secret but they were caught out.  Two local residents registered the company name which the council had intended to use and told them that they coudn’t have it back until they’d come clean and told residents what they were doing with their money (currently £1.3m).

The council refused and changed the name of the company.

English Partnerships currently own about 80% of the development land around this town and had agreed to transfer the assets to this private company.  “A public body is allowed to transfer public assets to a private limited company?” I hear you cry.  Well they seem to think they can.

Small problem though – nobody thought to tell English Partnerships about the change of name and they appear to have transferred the assets to the company using the name that was originally intended.  It would appear that two residents now own (albeit very temporarily I imagine) 80% of the development land around the town!

I’ve just had a call from English Partnerships claiming that it is eronious information on a website that they are currently seeking to remove.  The information (complete with link) is from the Department for Communities and Local Government and the owner of the website hasn’t heard a peep out of English Partnerships.

All will be revealed as events unfold.

Oh the irony

Apologies for the poor quality picture, I only had my mobile phone to hand.

You can’t make out the words on the road sign that the car has crashed into but it’s one of the “Think!” signs that tells you to drive safely, complete with the number of accidents on that stretch of road.  Unfortunately, it was on the side of a busy dual carriageway at rush hour so I couldn’t get a decent picture.

And before anyone accuses me of schadenfreude or being an irresponsible opportunist or whatever, I did actually stop and walk over to the car to make sure that there was nobody hurt in it as I didn’t know how long it had been there and I phoned the police to make sure they were aware of it.  I only took the picture because it was too good an opportunity to pass up!

Bob’s been a naughty boy!

Oh dear, Councillor Piper has been a naughty boy.  A very naughty boy in fact.

Bob has been very vocal about the BNP councillor elected in Sandwell in the past.  Vocal to the point of presiding over his own personal witch-hunt but now he’s found himself in trouble with the Commission for Racial Equality over a mocked up picture of David Cameron with his face blacked up like a minstrel.  The picture is accompanied with captions saying “Is it because I’s black?”, “Take the homeboy test” and “Yo Niggahs”.

Sandwell is a particularly … diverse … place and his picture, I think, will go down like a lead balloon with the locals.

The leader of Sandwell MBC said “I think it overstepped the mark quite frankly and I will be taking measures to see Councillor Piper as soon as possible.”

Ah Bob, I hope you forgive me chuckling to myself as I read the story for all those times you’ve accused me of bigotry and xenophobia.

The picture has been removed now but Bob, if you want your picture saved for posterity, send me a copy and I’ll be more than happy to host it for you.

Don’t worry about it Bob, I’ve already got myself a copy. 😆

Emotional Blackmail

My 2 year old daughter, Sophie: “Can I take my jumper off Dad?”

Me: “No”

Sophie: “Please Daddy”

Me: “No, it’s rude”

Sophie: “I’ll cry”

Me: “No”

Sophie: “Please, I’ll be sad”


Wanted: Owl Magnets

I have received an email this afternoon from a reader in the Czech Republic who is experiencing that age-old problem, where does one purchase quality owl magnets?

Dear Wonko,

I have just been reading your Defra Wiki and found it both engaging and full of informationativeness. I would very much like to try builing a scale model of the Environmental Contract incentive framework in a little-used corner of my kitchen. The trouble is, I have been unable to locate a local source of owl magnets and I feel that the only available substitute (a penguin) just wouldn’t offer the same performance. Can you help?


p.s. I live in the Prague, Czech Republic. It’s a bit like, say, Oxford. But with more English people. 🙂

If anyone can help Almum, please get in touch.

Revised New Tory Logo

The Russian mafia have come across a revised version of the new Tory logo due to be release before the local elections in North Britain next year.  The logo is thought to have been leaked by a junior officer within the Tory Party.

Seems like I was right*:

* This is made up