Andy “Anyone but England” Murray is looking worryingly close to winning his first ever grand slam in Australia.
If he wins, life will be unbearable for those of us who can’t stand the tantrum-throwing, anti-English, second rate Scottish tennis player.
The BBC will devote its entire schedule to the life and times of Andy Murray, the Sun will lead the campaign for him to be given a knighthood, No Mandate Brown will declare a “Murray Day” public holiday in England to celebrate.
But there is still hope. Using the power of positive thought we could influence the result. Send out positive thoughts of Andy Murray crashing to a humiliating defeat throughout the day and it could make the difference. It works for Uri Geller!
Alternatively, there’s always the tried and tested voodoo doll idea.